29 Satire Headlines I Would Have Written Articles for if I Had Time (and 5 That I Did)

These made my idea list but not the light of day… Until now!

Dylan M. Austin
3 min readMay 4


Just cleaning up my “random ideas” list and thought someone out there might appreciate my personal brand of mental illness.

  1. Negligent Electricians Installed Faulty Wiring in Millions of Homes. What Happens Next Will Shock You
  2. Credit Karma’s Duolingo-Inspired Poison Dart Frog Mascot Shames Your Credit Score via Push Notification
  3. Mandela Effect Strikes Again: That Kelly Clarkson Song Was Actually Called ‘Miss Information’
  4. Embarrassing! Student Loan Debt Holder Thinks They’re Getting Paid Before I Die
  5. Republicans Gerrymander, Preemptively Introduce Legislation To Ban Abortion Above the Kármán Line
  6. NRA’s New Thoughts and Prayers Request Site Returning Form Submission Errors
  7. James Cordon Arrested in West Hollywood Driving Alone in HOV Lane Blaring Karaoke Backing Tracks
  8. Opinion: I Don’t Trust That Quaker Oats Guy
  9. Precious Moments Announce New Pansexual Angel Figurine With Autism
  10. Report: Joel Osteen Still Doing All That
  11. What’s the Point of AI Art if I Can’t Use It To Generate Photos of a Shirtless Nick Jonas Sensually Enjoying a Popsicle?
  12. Opinion: It Should Cost $10 to Honk Your Car Horn
  13. Experts Warn YouTubers “Your Face Will Get Stuck Like That” if They Keep Making That Face
  14. NASCAR Fans Horrified To Realize All of Them Have Been Leftists the Whole Time
  15. ‘Honey I Transed the Kids’ Is the Latest Reboot in Hollywood’s Woke Agenda To Destroy America
  16. Sharpie’s New Campaign Ruins Thousands of Screens With “Test Here” Digital Graphic
  17. Ahead of Midterms, Democrats Call for Unity: “If You’ve Fallen in Line, Stay in Line!”
  18. I Went To Target for One Thing and Left With Existential Dread (and an Air Fryer)
  19. Silly Bandz Returns With New ‘Misanthropic Bandz’
  20. Weatherman Caught on Hot Mic: “Last Night…



Dylan M. Austin

Copy and content writer in Seattle. Sometimes satirical, sometimes sincere. Run-on mixed metaphor. Gay, autistic dog dad with ADHD (and too many plants).